The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im part way to drunk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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