Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
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Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
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Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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