he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I want to be your penis for a week.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
