i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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