its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
