Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
