you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
