My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
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Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
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Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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