Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
