Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
