clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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