Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
