Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
