Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
