I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
