I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
