she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
