oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
