It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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