Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
