remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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