you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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