one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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