At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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