If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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