i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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