Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
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He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
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Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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