My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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