The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
