So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
