saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
