Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
