i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
