I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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