I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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