My nipple is on Facebook.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
