i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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