I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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