Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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