I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half