just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.