I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
