I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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