Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
