My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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