So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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