Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
