Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
