So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
