i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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