dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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