wrigley field is MILF paradise
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
