Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
