Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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