I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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