I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
