I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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